For all of you who, like me, finished school a few years ago… remember that feeling? The countdown to when it all starts again? For me it’s like dread. Doom. Like when the break is over, I have to go back to prison or something.
So why am I doing it? ……
When things are good I have a hard time remembering. I have to remind myself of the 75 percent of the time when things are NOT good. When I don’t like my job, when my neck hurts, when the politics of playing in a musical organization bug the crap out of me, especially when I can’t stop thinking about how that much politics shouldn’t be involved with music.
I’m approaching year 4 of the professional violin life. If I have this many problems with it now, I don’t think it’s going to keep me content and peaceful for the next 50 years of my life.
It’s not just my neck or the politics. It’s the swiss cheese schedule. Having 3 different jobs, 3 different schedules that constantly want to conflict with each other. Having to reschedule students every time I have a rehearsal.
With teaching alone, having to keep track of 18 different students and their parents, when they came, when they missed, when they paid and how much, why they always forget their checkbook at their first lesson of the month.
Sometimes I’m fine. Sometimes I do like it. Other times I want to get in my car, drive into the mountains, and become a hermit who lives in a tent on a peak and eats grass and hunts squirrels and befriends marmots and never comes back to civilized society.
That’s probably not a good thing to feel about work.
So I’m going back to school. Probably in the fall, if I can get my admission stuff taken care of in time. Wildlife biology or fisheries management or something like that. Something where I can be outside when it’s nice instead of closeted in a rehearsal hall that has no windows. Something where I go to work, some dude gives me ONE paycheck, and I go home.
I’m worried I’ll miss violin. I’m also worried that between going to school and continuing to work, I won’t have any time for writing. I need to plan it into my schedule. Decide to do it at certain times and not forget. I quit writing during my first undergraduate degree and didn’t start again until after graduate school. I don’t want to let that happen again.
As soon as I get my computer back, I’m writing as much as I can over the summer. It’ll be tricky in between moving, remodeling our condo, and going out of town, but I can do it. Work will drop off in the summer… another awesome thing about playing violin. No orchestras in the summer, ie no money. Yay.
But even if my writing suffers for the two or three years that I’m in school, I have to do it. I can’t wait around hoping I’ll someday magically like what I’m doing better. I need to change it. Once I graduate and get some other kind of job and don’t have homework, my writing should get back on track. Assuming it even gets off track to begin with. I’m jumping the gun.
The idea of going back to school makes me panic just a little bit. A lot. Can you tell? I’m not an academic person, so making myself do homework is tough. Especially when that homework involves calculus, physics, and other such foreign things that, as a music major, I’ve never had to touch.
But I’ll be okay… right? People change their careers and do new things with their lives all the time, right?