Decisions

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The biggest snowstorm my city has gotten in years is finally over. We got dumped on Sunday night through Wednesday night, non-stop snow. The total accumulation was only about two feet. Not super impressive, but like I said, we don’t normally get such big snows here anymore.

I’m not complaining at all. For one thing, it was fun stomping through snow that was so deep it got into the tops of my boots. But it will also decrease our chances for another horrific fire this year. Our reservoir is looking pretty healthy right now.

I like to go for walks. That’s my primary form of exercise. Slightly difficult in a blizzard. So I’ve been mostly sitting around the last few days, spending hours on my new computer, pretty much whenever I’m not working. I’ve gone back to writing my story, but mainly I’ve been thinking. A lot.

Each spring, I go a little bit insane. Get really restless, convince myself I hate my job, say I’m going to do something different with my life. I come to a lot of “decisions” in the spring. I make all these “decisions” and tell my husband and Raine how serious I am. They, very kindly, always nod and agree with me.

But after the summer starts and I take a vacation, my mind resets. I realize that those “decisions” were just thoughts that I attached a little too much importance to while I was upset. I always get over it, have a nice relaxing summer, and feel better in the fall.

This year I realized that just because I feel better in the fall does NOT mean there isn’t something to my “decisions”/thoughts. Just because the desire to run away from my life goes away doesn’t mean I shouldn’t change things.

I feel like this year, for the first time since finishing graduate school, I made some actual decisions. As opposed to thoughts disguised as decisions. I’m sure it’s a fine line between the two. What makes these legitimate decisions is that I’ve taken action.

I want to do something else with my life, so I applied for college. I also applied for a summer job to make up for taking fewer orchestra concerts. Taking fewer concerts is another decision that will continue through the summer. I need to hand in my contracts in July without agreeing to ALL of the concerts. That will be difficult for me. I always want to do all of them so I say yes to everything. Then by the spring I’m in pain and upset and tired and I want to smash my violin. That’s very bad for my neck and my brain. And my violin.

So that’s three decisions this spring, compared to the zero that were actual decisions over the last three years.

1. Apply for school

2. Apply for a summer job

3. Take fewer concerts

I’m pleased with my progress. Not bad for one spring.

My husband presented me with another unexpected decision. Thanks, husband. I was planning to get a degree in wildlife biology/conservation. That’s what I applied for. And then today, when I pointed out a beautiful, shiny John Deere snow plow shoving snow off the sidewalk and commented on how fun it would be to drive one, my husband said, “Well, you’ve always wanted to work on a farm. If you change your degree to agriculture, you could.”

……..

Thanks for confusing me! I HAVE always wanted to work on a farm. Two weeks ago we went to Sears to look at a stove. I spent ten minutes admiring those little lawn mowers that you drive (some of them have CUP HOLDERS!) and basically told my husband that when we get a house with a yard I’ll fight him for the privilege to mow if we have one of those suckers. Even though I’m allergic to dairy, I’m obsessed with making cheese, as well as one day being able to care for and milk farm animals.

I want to build a fence sometime. Just to do it. I think it would be fun to use a post hole digger.

I’m aware that not all those jobs go together. I don’t know if dairy farmers get to drive tractors. It’s just a fantasy I have. Milking goats and driving a tractor. Sometimes I think my dad’s Oklahoma-ness somehow seeped into me even though I’ve lived in Colorado my entire life. Although this is a pretty farm-y state. It just so happens I’ve always lived in cities…

Can you tell that my husband’s simple suggestion confused the crap out of me? It doesn’t change the fact that I made a decision. I still applied for school. I’m still going to get a degree in something. Now I just have to decide what. One more decision.

I don’t have to make that decision now. I just have to stick with the ones that I’ve already made. If I go back on them, they turn back into “decisions.” I don’t want that. If I keep backing out of things whenever I feel better I’m never going to do anything to change my life. And my neck will get more and more crippled until I find myself in a neck brace by the age of 30. Then I won’t be able to play violin and I won’t have a back-up plan.

So making real decisions is important for me.

Since I don’t have a picture of decisions, above is another from my trip to Alaska. Look at that beautiful glacier.

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