I’m having one of those days where I feel like everything is just falling apart. Like nothing is working out right, everything is upsetting me, and I can’t get anything done. And maybe it’s more than just a day.
Between me and my husband, I’m used to being the unhappy one. Not that I’m unhappy with him at all. I’m just unhappy about everything else. My job, my neck, my writing, my toe, needing a break, my job, wanting to go back to school, the weather, my job, etc. He’s always there to comfort me and calm me down and make me make lists of pros and cons for every thought I’m having.
But now he’s the one who’s upset about work and I don’t know what to do to help. I feel like I’ve never been in this position because the one with the problem is always me. I don’t know how to help. He doesn’t want to make lists or do any of the things that calm me down when I’m upset. He gets upset so infrequently that I don’t know what helps him. I can’t remember.
It makes me sad that he’s sad. I guess this is what he feels like every single time I’m upset about something. I should try to be upset less often.
On top of feeling useless, my application for school is not going well. Their online thinger first told me they had all my transcripts, and now one by one they’re saying they don’t. The deadline for materials is June 1. That’s close. If this keeps happening I won’t have time to get all the transcripts sent out before then and I won’t be able to start school in the fall. That’s depressing.
I haven’t played violin for about 6 or 7 weeks. I have a wedding this Sunday, so I guess I get to see how my neck is doing then. If it’ll be fine for a while, if it’ll be fine the whole time, or if it will just be instant pain again as soon as I start playing. Right now, I have no idea. I’m afraid to try playing before that in case it does still hurt and I have to drop out of the wedding and lose the money. That’s the worst, and I’ve already dropped out of two concerts this month. Don’t want to do that anymore.
When I write it down, it doesn’t sound like that much bad stuff. I don’t know how to properly express how upset all of it makes me, or why. I guess some of it is too personal to post on the internet, and some of it is hard to explain. Like how not being able to start school in the fall will be a slap in the face after I finally decided to go back, after two or three years of wanting to but not being ready to. How bad it will feel to not go when right now I’m completely mentally prepared for going in only three months. It’s so close now, and if it falls through it’ll be just an idea again. Another four months of not knowing how hard it’s going to be, or how much I’ll enjoy it, or if it will work out. If it’ll lead to a new career, or if forty more years of playing violin and doing nothing else is still the only thing I can see clearly in my future.
I know I sound a little dramatic. I probably shouldn’t write posts when I’m upset. But it has been a while, and I have nothing else to write about. Here are some words I hate:
utilize, underscore, processing, pamper, angst, abusive, facetious
I’m sure I hate a lot more, but I can’t think of them off the top of my head. For some reason it’s comforting that it’s so hard to think of words I hate, but so easy to think of ones I like.