I’m awake at 3 in the morning thinking about a lot of things.
1. Writing. Of course. I love writing.
2. Since I’ve started feeling jaded about violin, I haven’t been passionate about anything. I’ve been indifferent toward everything and feel generally disillusioned. Not a happy feeling.
3. I want to play violin again for real. Not just so I don’t suck in orchestra. I want to practice solo music without it destroying my neck. I need to figure out how to do that.
4. If the violin thing falls through, and even if it doesn’t, I need to find something else to care about. I care about writing, but that’s different. It’s not something I can reasonably expect to do for work. I want to love something related to zoology.
5. I’m excited and optimistic about changing to zoology. I think I’ll like it better than wildlife biology.
6. I’m starting to really like biology AND care about doing well in it. I want to learn it to know it, not so I can pass exams. That might be the closest I’ve come to caring about anything besides writing in a while.
7. I have a sequel to my behemoth in my head that I don’t really want anyone else to see, but the more I think about it, the more I think I should write it anyway. So I can see it on paper.
8. I resent violin. I thought I was liking it less, but I’m not. I just resent what it has done to me.
9. I keep thinking I should feel lucky to have been really good at something that I loved for a while. That I at least got to have it, even if it was for a short amount of time. A lot of people don’t get that. So even though possibly losing violin is hard, maybe I’m looking at it wrong.
10. Then I think #9 is a crock of horse pucky and I can be upset about losing violin if I want to be. It’s been a huge part of my life since I was 8 and now my body is preventing me from enjoying it. Screw logic and gratefulness. I’m mad.
11. My husband is also awake, downstairs listening to The Nutcracker. It makes me want to play even more, so I’m listening to other music on my headphones so I won’t think about it and get upset.
12. I hope being awake now isn’t going to make me miserable when I have to teach at 9:45 tomorrow morning.
13. I’m considering getting a part-time job. ANY job. And cutting the students that I don’t enjoy teaching. Maybe I’d be a little more content overall.
14. I used to think it was ridiculous that I already have a master’s and am going back to school for a second bachelor’s, second master’s, and possibly even a PhD and I’m not even 30. Now I’m starting to think it’s just awesome and I want to be one of those smart-looking people with tons of degrees and I want to learn all I can before my brain breaks completely and won’t retain information anymore.
15. For Christmas I want either a new car stereo for our old car, another tattoo, or a psychological assessment.
16. I think I might have a learning disability. I most definitely have some focus issues. I also most definitely learn in strange ways. Those ways are related to words. Professors are always telling us to draw pictures. Instead I restructure sentences until they make sense to my weird little brain.
17. I love words. They’re one of my favorite things. But I don’t like jargony, overly-fanicified words like “utilize,” “institutionalize,” “institutionalization,” or any text shorthand. If I say something funny, just laugh. Don’t say LOL. Text it. That’s what it’s for. Don’t SAY it with your mouth.
18. Wow, The Nutcracker just keeps going, and going, and going…. and going.
19. And so do I. I better try to sleep now.