School again again again

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Every now and then I get slammed with the fact that I’m attending college again as an adult. Slammed. Like it hits me and it’s like I didn’t know it before and I start to wonder what I’m doing and if it’s a joke and if I can do it.

Sometimes I really don’t think I can do it. Especially since I chose a hard program. Music was hard, but I understood it. I don’t understand biology yet. I don’t know if I ever will. So it’s doubly hard.

People keep asking why I don’t do an easier program. For me, it’s not a hard question to answer. I know that if I choose a program that isn’t what I really want to do, I’ll be back in this situation in 10 years or less. Going back to school. Starting over.

I need to do something I love NOW, because I know myself too well to think that I’m not going to do it anyway. If I choose a different program and a different course, I’m not going to suddenly stop caring about zoology. It isn’t suddenly going to stop being something I’ve wanted to do since I was 5 years old.

The part of me that wants to do it isn’t going away, so doing a different program will just do one of two bad things. 1) It will postpone the inevitable. 2) At the end of it I’ll feel like I can’t start over AGAIN, so I’ll never end up doing what I really want to do. Which is what I’m doing now.

So I have to keep telling myself that it is hard. It isn’t just classes. It’s mentally hard getting up every day and going to classes full of younger people who don’t have tons of baggage and a first degree and career under their belts, who don’t feel like everyone around them is in a position to do better than them because they’re fresh and young and it’s easier for them to learn. They don’t have those problems. I do. It’s hard to get past. If you haven’t done it, I don’t know if you can understand it.

So it is hard. It may be so hard that sometimes I hate my life. Like today. Which is why I’m writing this. But it will be worth it if I make myself do it. I’m also kind of using the motivator that I’ll regret it forever if I quit, and that I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t.

I don’t want to go on forever about this because I know I talk about it a lot. Those were just the thoughts that were whirling around in my head all morning because I’m in a terrible mood today.

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