I have been in a creative dark period the last week and a half or so. I haven’t been texting anyone, haven’t gone on Facebook, haven’t written any posts, haven’t written any anything. Basically anything that required me to use my brain for something other than basic daily functions and school, I haven’t done in a while.
I read during my bookstore shift yesterday and almost peed my pants laughing because I’m currently reading a Garrison Keillor book, but that was really the extent of my brain exercise since the end of March.
I haven’t been in a bad mood exactly, but I’ve been feeling really angry and aggressive randomly off and on. Especially yesterday afternoon. But mostly I’ve just been kind of cozy in my routine and haven’t felt the need to talk about anything. I haven’t been lazy. I’ve still been volunteering, running, going to class, doing homework, teaching, practicing, etc. Just… not creating anything.
I don’t know if I’m over that now, but I must be at least a little. I’m writing this. I posted something on Facebook today. Woo hoo? I can share with my friends and family. Maybe this means I’ll start writing again soon.
I’m going to roller derby tonight. Even though the matches are mostly always the same, I still enjoy going. I’m not a big sports person, and roller derby is suspiciously close to a sport, so I’m surprised I like it at all. I think it must be the tutus.
Surprisingly, I enjoyed teaching one of my students so much this morning that I asked them to switch to longer lessons for a few weeks while we prepare for a couple of performances. I haven’t enjoyed teaching so much that I volunteered to do more in quite a long time. I also got a new student who is starting next week.
Maybe quitting orchestras is starting to have a positive effect after all. I can practice, I dislike teaching less, I’m in less pain, and my schedule is more settled. The same each week, which I like.
I start volunteering at the zoo south of me for real tomorrow. Like an actual shift. No more orientations, no more meetings to get gate codes and t-shirts, but an actual shift. I get to do actual work. I have no idea what that work will be yet. Maybe shoveling zebra poo. Maybe doing paperwork. Maybe sweeping the floor. No idea. But I’m excited, whatever it is.
Like I said above, lately I’ve been irritable and aggressive, to the point where I wonder if there was some kind of natural disaster and we were plunged into a post-apocalyptic world, what kind of person I would be. I’m convinced I’d be that gun-toting psycho who would do anything (ANYTHING) to protect what I care about, but my husband says he thinks I could pull it together and still be capable of rational thought. Organized and lucid, but able to take care of myself and my people.
I don’t want to be the gun-toting nutbag. I don’t. When I’m feeling aggressive I need to find ways to calm myself down. I keep telling myself that I must be getting my spring thing.
My spring thing is that I go bat crap CRAZY every spring. Get all upset about everything, feel overwhelmed, cry a lot, shout a lot, lose my temper a lot. That’s my spring fever.
It hasn’t happened yet this year. It is amazingly late for it to have not happened yet. Normally it starts in February or March.
Maybe no orchestras helps. Maybe it’s the volunteering. Maybe I feel like I’m finally changing my life and I’m happier.
So maybe this irrational anger is just this year’s version of my spring thing. If it is, it’s not so bad. It’ll go away like it always does, and I can avoid all the crying and falling apart.
Yesterday I was pissed off, so I went for a run and ran really fast and wore myself out, and then I was fine for the rest of the day. It’s a good solution. Right now I’m listening to relaxing music and enjoying having some time off between students. Later I’m going to roller derby. Tomorrow I have the zoo. Monday I have a trio rehearsal and get to go to a movie.
I just need to keep reminding myself of the good stuff. As long as I have the good stuff, there’s no need for me to go crazy. The bad stuff is mostly in my head, anyway.
Above I posted a picture that either my sister or I took when we climbed Mt Bierstadt a couple years ago. It’s a yellow-bellied marmot. Cute, fat little guys.
Yesterday in biology I learned that birds, reptiles, and mammals all belong to the same clade since they all have eggs. That’s pretty cool. Maybe I’m happier this spring because I’m learning about animals in biology. Who knows.