Okay, it’s page 320. I checked. That means I’ve rewritten 6 pages in this last stretch. Not amazing, but definitely a good start, especially considering that I didn’t write squat for about two or three months before this. Now I just need to keep on going!
I’m still having some difficulty incorporating the secondary storyline, but I think I had a breakthrough a few days ago. I finally figured out the motivation for the characters to do what they do. I have a sequence of events in my head that wasn’t there before. Spying and betrayal and all kinds of dramatic stuff. In other words, I have a PLAN!
I have to go to my bookstore job that I don’t particularly like in less than an hour, so I don’t have much time now. I am planning on sitting down for a good couple hours tomorrow morning, though. Maybe I can write another 5 pages. That would be a good goal.
I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about writing lately. The most recent is this:
I see so many books in the bookstore and library, and I read some and think “Hey this is pretty good,” and I wonder why I can’t be that person who gets a book published and people read it and like it. Recently, that thought has changed to, I CAN do that, I just need to actually do it. Finish something. Put it out there. Try.
I think I’m a little afraid to try too hard with writing, in case I fail. Like with violin, I put everything I had into that for years, wanted it so much, and then I hurt my neck and had to stop at 28 years old. I’m so scared of something like that happening again that I’ve been kind of just sliding by doing nothing. Why try if it’s just going to get taken away?
Bad attitude! Stop that! I need to realize that just because one thing didn’t work out, doesn’t mean something else won’t. What am I going to do, lose a finger and not be able to write anymore? No. Worse-case scenario, no one is interested in my book.
That is the real fear, for sure. That I’ll pour my heart into this thing and people will be like, “It’s too long and it’s draggy and the plot isn’t original and your characters and one-dimensional and NO THANKS.”
But I have to try. I have to because I can’t stop thinking about it. If I say I want to do it, I have to really go for it. No more half-assing it and just wishing I’d finish the story. That’s not how it works. It takes hard work and dedication and doing. The book is not going to finish itself. And I really want it all down on paper, instead of just in my head.
So maybe I can’t get a book published, but maybe I can. I won’t know until I try. So I’m going to try.