My internet was out again, for more than a week. It’s back now.
Last week I applied for loads of real jobs, stating in a previous post that it would be so nice to have one job that paid me what I want to make. That it would be so nice to not have to drive to a different town to teach. That it would be so nice to take a paycheck from someone and not have to worry about asking student parents for checks all the time.
I got offered one of those jobs. At first I was excited. Then they told me the hours.
It was basically like, “Oh, you know how many hours you have free each week? You’ll work during all of those now. And you’ll have the same number of hours off per week that you teach now, which is like… 10.”
I almost gave up a job that I work 3 days a week for something that would eat up 40 or 50 hours a week…. for slightly more pay.
What was I thinking?
You know that saying that you don’t know how good something is until it’s gone? That was almost my life. I almost gave up teaching for some crappy job that I would have hated that would have eaten up all my time and made it impossible for me to write, teach, paint, go anywhere, do anything, or spend any time with my husband and little baby, when he comes.
I forgot how much I missed the freedom of just teaching. It gives me the time I need for writing and everything else I want to do. No other job I can think of would allow me to do that.
So for now, no more applying for jobs, no more school, no more bookstore because I quit. I’m going to teach my students up north and try to get some more here. I’m going to spend my free time doing what I want to do and making sure I’m getting enough sleep so I don’t feel miserable all the time.
Apparently I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. After all of this time spent trying to figure it out, going to school, checking into different jobs, trying new things. I keep just coming back to what I had before. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I’m just a violinist and violin teacher like I thought before, but I think I’m okay with that now. At least until I finish a book and get it published and make billions of dollars like JK Rowling. Maybe I’m writing the next Harry Potter….. or maybe I’m delusional.
I haven’t written in weeks because I’ve been busy and tired. My plan is to get back into it tomorrow. We’ll see if that actually happens, but I’m all full of fresh motivation now that I have nothing else to do with myself all day. I have four more months to finish my rewrite before failing to reach that goal. I want to reach that goal. I need to keep thinking about that.
At least, after trying all this stuff and not having any time for writing, I’ve figured out one thing. I’m pretty sure this one is a fact. I’m the most indecisive and flighty person I know. Yay, me.
Above is another picture from my Alaska trip, just because I miss it so much.