Fat Hands

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I didn’t realize that my hands would get fat while I was pregnant. I had heard of swelling, but they don’t look swollen. Maybe I’ve just forgotten what my hands used to look like.

I didn’t really notice they were fat until a few weeks ago. I haven’t been able to wear my wedding ring for months because of swelling in my fingers, but I noticed the change in my hands when I tried to wash our mason jars. My hand used to fit through the openings. I could stick it in and scrub all the way at the bottom of the jars. It won’t go through the openings anymore.

It’s kind of a helpless feeling that I never would have expected to feel that way. I used to laugh at my husband because he couldn’t fit his hand in. Now that I can’t it doesn’t seem funny at all.

On top of feeling physically helpless, for a lot reasons beyond my fat hands, I feel helpless in other places. The physical issues have made it so I can’t go to work out of town over the last couple weeks. They made it so that I couldn’t work IN town last week. My lower back hurts so much, with pain shooting down into my legs, that I can barely even waddle, much less walk, even though I’m trying to exercise more to keep myself in shape for labor. I can barely drive.

Those feelings of physical helplessness have made me helpless in other ways. If I’m not working, I’m not making money. That puts more pressure on my husband, who is already working as much as he can to pay for more expensive rent in Denver, to pay for the baby appointments, to pay for my chiropractor so I don’t feel how I feel right now all the time, to pay for everything. I used to help, but now I can’t.

Overall I’m glad we moved to Denver, but things have just been different since then. My husband got a new job but is also still doing his old job. I got a new job but am also still doing my old job. The difference is that he works about 70 hours a week compared to my 20. I still have time to clean, write, go for walks, go places and do things. Whether I have the physical or emotional energy to do them is another story, but I have the TIME. My husband has had to give up every single thing he enjoyed doing before getting that second job. Not because we can’t afford it, just because he has no time to do anything. I’m afraid he’s going to burn out because all he does is work.

I want to do something to help, but there’s nothing I can do aside from making more money so he can cut back. Right now I can’t make more money. I’m about to take a month off because of the baby. I won’t be making any money. It makes me feel so helpless that I can’t do anything to take any pressure off of him. I hate not being able to help. I may not like working all that much, but I like knowing that I’m contributing and that I’m making things easier for him. Right now that’s not happening.

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Aside from helplessness with work, there are more little stupid, annoying problems like my fat hands. Sausage feet and legs that make it impossible for me to put my winter boots on. Sometimes they’re fine, and sometimes they are so swollen that I can’t even wear my New Balance walking shoes. The only shoes that fit a lot of the time are my slip-on Vans that are a half size too big.

And I’m so HOT. I’m a sweaty monster all the time even though it’s 40 degrees outside and our heat is turned off, even though I sleep with a fan and chug cold water throughout the day. Sometimes I have to run my sausage feet under cold water in the bathtub because they get so hot that they swell more and feel like they’re going to burst. When my feet get hot my hands get hot and they swell even more, and then everything is puffy and hot and I feel like a giant marshmallow roasting over a fire.

My fat hands remind me of my whole life right now. They’re fat and useless, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change them. I can’t make them smaller. I can’t lose weight while I’m pregnant. I’m helpless. I can’t work to help out with money, I can’t make the drive up north to help out with the business, I can’t control when the baby is going to come. I keep cleaning and going to the store, but it has become so painful that it’s a big production. When my back isn’t just hurting normally it’s spasming and shooting pain into other parts of my body. I see my chiropractor tomorrow, and I really really hope that helps because I’m so tired of feeling so helpless in every other way, and I just want to be able to walk and run errands without being even more of a burden because I can barely move.

I want the baby to be healthy, happy, and safe. I don’t want to be stressed out and depressed for him. I’ve been stressed out and depressed off and on constantly over the last few years, and I just want to do better. I want to be someone productive and optimistic and encouraging, not negative and worried and overwhelmed by life. So these feelings I’m having right now are not helpful. Not being able to work or walk is not helpful.

In other words, I feel totally, completely helpless and have no idea how to fix it. Cheerful thoughts I’m having tonight. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

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